The Number One Ranch Hand
by AceAmir
Summary: Oak's Ranch is a pretty big place with a lot of different pokemon. Naturally, they don't all get along. Fortunately, a certain green quadruped is always willing to help keep the peace. (A one-shot based on a prompt)


**Author's Note: **Please do not leave reviews warning me or discussing Farla, St. Elmo's Fire, or any other users. The reviews section is not a chat room, and I don't want it cluttered with off-topic chatter or drama. Anyone that ignores this will have their review reported and their account blocked. Thank you.

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A tremor shook the entirety of Oak Ranch.

A mighty onix, snake-like body of stone and earth, roared a challenge.

His opponent, the mantis-like scyther, stood his ground, bladed arms at the ready and crouched into a fighting stance.

Off to the side, a group of jumpluff and oddish watched, confused and worried about the upcoming clash. They considered interfering, but both the scyther and onix were trained pokemon, and it was unlikely that weak, wild pokemon such as they were powerful enough to do anything.

Both combatants leered at each other. The tension had reached its climax. The standstill had ended.

Both pokemon erupted into motion. Onix raised his tail and slammed it into the ground, creating a line of glowing stone pillars which erupted from the earth and traveled towards Scyther. The bug type nimbly dodged to the left, and then lunged forward with blade-arm drawn back and glowing white with the energy of a Slash attack.

Onix swung his tail to counter, forcing Scyther to halt his charge and bring up both blades in an X-formation to block the swing. The rock type pressed his advantage by swiftly slithering around the bug in preparation for trapping him with Bind. Scyther saw what was happening though and jumped into the air just as Onix tightened his grip. Unperturbed, Onix opened his mouth and spewed a gout of green-yellow flame, finally dealing some damage as the mythical flame of Dragon Breath connected and knocked the bug type a few yards away. Despite taking a direct hit, Scyther seemed no worse for wear and stood up ready to resume the fight.

The fight continued in a similar fashion, with neither combatant able to land more than a glancing blow. The wild pokemon watched in terrified awe. They were so engrossed in the fight that they failed to notice a newcomer, someone small and green, coming just over the hill and towards the fighters.

Finally, Scyther managed a direct hit with Slash, sending the earthen serpent reeling from the force of the blow. Onix roared, partly in defiance, partly in pain, and slammed his tail into the ground with enough force to cause a small earthquake. This had little effect on Scyther, who merely jumped into the air, but this gave Onix an excellent opening. The ferocious rock snake opened his maw and filled it with a clump of rock-type energy, which quickly coalesced into the shape of an impressive boulder. With his attack ready, Onix fired the first Rock Blast, too fast and too sudden for even the nimble Scyther to dodge.

A dazzling beam of green energy lanced between the two fighters, obliterating Onix's attack and sending both fighters back from the force of its shockwave alone.

It took a moment for everyone, both combatant and spectator, to recover from the intense light of the Solar Beam. But once they did, and turned to face its source, they weren't particularly surprised to find a small quadrupedal dinosaur with blue-green skin and a bulb on its back looking at them with bright red eyes.

Bulbasaur cleared his throat. _"So," _he began, voice calm like a parent speaking to misbehaving children, _"what exactly is going on here?" _

The onix and the sycther regarded the pokemon for only a moment before pointing appendages at the other and simultaneously yelling, _"He started it!" _

"_I was sitting here minding my own business—" _

"—_I already tried apologizing but—"_

"—_acts like it's no big deal—" _

"—_he's a _rock type, _why should it—"_

Another Solar Beam, this time aimed into the sky, interrupted them and drew their attention back to the small green quadruped. _"I understand that you're both upset, but I can't help if the two of you keep talking over each other. Now, please tell me what happened, and _this time _take turns speaking." _

The two pokemon exchanged glances, and it was silently decided that Onix would speak first. _"I was laying out here in the fields, soaking up some sun and taking a nap, when Scyther comes out of nowhere and just starts trying to cut me up. I asked him what he did that for, and he said something about how he was just training and that it was no big deal!" _

"_That is _not _what I said and you know it!" _snapped Scyther. _"What I said was that I'd been running around cutting rocks all morning, both to train myself and to keep my blades sharp. I thought Onix was just a pile of boulders, because he was all curled up you know? I told him this and apologized, and _he _responds by threatening to turn me into bug paste! I then asked why he cared so much, it's not like my attacks hurt him!" _

"_Just because I resist an attack doesn't mean it doesn't hurt!" _Onix said indignantly. _"And the way you said 'sorry' was just rude and half-hearted." _

Scyther snorted. _"Yeah, well, just because you're too _stupid _to recognize an apology doesn't mean you have the right to—" _

"_Okay, I think I've heard enough," _Bulbasaur interjected, immediately commanding the attention of the two quarreling pokemon. _"I think you're both overreacting. __Scyther, you made a mistake that you should have owned up to, and Onix, you should have been the bigger 'mon and walked away. Instead, you both gave in to your tempers and egos. Both of you should know better, and it's ridiculous that this escalated into a full-blown fight. __What would your trainers think about this?" _

Neither pokemon looked Bulbasaur in the eye.

"_Yeah, that's what I thought," _said the grass type._ "Now, I think you both owe each other an apology."_

"…_yeah, okay, I guess I wasn't in the best mood when I woke up and might have misheard what Scyther said," _admitted Onix.

"_I really did mistake you for a rock," _said Scyther. _"Either way, I shouldn't have let my temper get the better of me, and for that I apologize." _

Bulbasaur smiled. _"That's better. Now, Scyther, if you need a place to train, there's a spot towards the west that's filled with large rocks and boulders. Also, maybe next time ask yourself _why _there's a giant pile of rocks in the middle of an open field?" _

"…_well, when put that way, I feel rather stupid," _admitted the bug type. _"But, yes, that spot sounds perfect." _

"_You know, even if it wasn't for the best reasons, that little brawl we had _was _good exercise," _said Onix. _"If you really need to work on your blade attacks, I could partner up with you so I can work on my defenses and endurance." _

Scyther considered. _"That actually sounds pretty good! Two pidgeys with one Rock Throw and all that!" _

Bulbasaur's smile widened. He gave Scyther the directions, and then watched happily as the two pokemon left to train.

Satisfied with yet another job well done, Bulbasaur began the walk back to Oak's lab. It had been a few years since Oak had contacted Ash and requested his help. He missed Ash and he missed traveling, but it was moments like that one—where conflict was avoided, and new friendships were made—that made his work worthwhile.

"_I told you, this is _my _spot—go find your own!" _yelled a pidgey.

"_Yeah, well, and now I say it's _my _spot!" _replied a spearow. _"So why don't you buzz off and go bother someone else?" _

Bulbasaur sighed. Of course, one of the few downsides to his job was that it _never seemed to end, _but that was fine. It just meant things would never get boring.

Armed with seemingly limitless patience and a lifetime of experience, Ash's Bulbasaur marched towards the bickering birds, ready and eager to get back to work.

* * *

**Author's Note: **This is a one-shot I wrote a couple of years ago that I decided to touch up and publish. I asked some folks at Space Battles for a writing prompt, and one of them was "Ash's Bulbasaur corralling Pokemon at Oak Ranch." I may add to this later, but for now consider this complete.

Also, yes, the title is a pun, and bless you if you get it. ;)

Thanks for reading!


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